We don't automatically go to God with everything or react to life the way Jesus would simply because we are Christians, saved and transformed by the blood of Jesus. Right? I mean, that's the goal. But the initial act of being saved doesn't suddenly cause us to become as close to humanly and spiritually perfect as we can possibly be on this earth. We have to TRAIN ourselves, consciously and with perseverance. Whaaaaat, you mean God doesn't do all the work? Well yeah, Jesus died on the cross to save us once and for all. And He helps us a ton on the way thereafter. But we have to do our part.

The above excerpt, which I read a few days ago from my favorite devotional ever, (My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers) struck a chord with me particularly because I was born with a vivid, busy imagination. This is such an amazing reminder to me to continue giving glory to God for each and every thing I see.. to TRAIN myself so that my initial reaction is to go to God. I literally find myself stopping in my tracks on a daily basis to admire His creation... the sky, a flower, an amusing conversation or person, a Starbucks.... you name it. What would happen if I consciously praised God for all of these things, more and more often until it happened naturally all the time? Well, I'd certainly be better trained to go to God when things go south - the second I get angry or am presented with something difficult. This same lesson was confirmed to me again at church this weekend, where pastor Steve talked about training ourselves so that our initial reaction to everything is prayer. When Paul says "pray without ceasing" (1 Thess 5:17), he doesn't mean to be on your knees, with your hands folded and eyes closed, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. CLEARLY being on our knees before is a good thing and something we should do, but literally impossible to do all day long. You've gotta pee and eat, for real. He means - have a constant dialogue with God in your heart and mind. Talk to God, bring all things to God.

I love Chambers' "old time" language. He was around in Scotland during the early 1900's, after all. "Then put a stiletto in the place where you have gone to sleep." A stiletto is a type of dagger (I know this because I am a nerd. Don't judge. Nerds are people too. Cool people. Cool, nerdy people.). So, he's basically saying, WAKE UP. GET UP. LIFT YOUR EYES TO HEAVEN. Don't let yourself become complacent and possibly even miserable if you can't hear God speaking. Remember what God has done in the past. Remember how you have seen Him work in your life and/or those around you. More importantly, remember that you serve the Almighty God and that you BELONG to Him. Remember that He can do anything. Ask Him to prove it to you.

Okay, back to the subject. Someone was supposed to smack me if I started getting preachy. Geesh. Bottom line? I want my reflexive instinct to things on the full spectrum of wonderful and ridiculously difficult to be to GO TO GOD, immediately. Will I ever be perfect? Not on this earth. Faaaar from it. Pathetically far from it. You get the point. I wanted to share this because it was exciting to me to hear of an applicable way to train my instincts away from self, stress, and anger. God is good - I'm thankful on a daily basis that He knows our hearts and has mercy on us! I don't know about you, but I could use a healthy dose of "inexpressibly bright hope", more often than I'd like to admit!

Hope ya'll are having a good week so far! I'm LOVING the sunshine today!

Realizations, Reactions, Resolutions.

While on my recent family road trip, I did some thinking. Possibly even some reprioritizing and mental rearranging. I learned some things about myself. Realization dawned in regards to the way I have been doing certain things and motivation to change appeared in it's wake. Additionally, I was inspired by my own family and the families we stayed with. I could expound on this stuff for a few dozen pages (and I know I'm being vague, but I'll go into more detail below. Relax! :p), but I will summarize my epiphanies thusly: 1) Don't sweat the small stuff. 2) It's never too late to change or make things better, within the realm of your ability. And 3) it's unbelievably easy to be lazily (or stubbornly) complacent without even realizing it, chalking it up to our current circumstances or attitude being "where God wants me". God is certainly the ultimate Authority, but not to blame for bad attitudes or moods or for not making the most of the situation He has put us in.

With that said, here are my goals for 2012 in no specific order, in response to what I have learned recently.

1. Be more enterprising. If I see a need, fill it. Small or large scale. Don't wait for someone else to do it.
2. Get my diabetes under more strict control. I recently switched to injections from my insulin pump, which wasn't working as intended, and I have been doing better overall. (I'm a huge advocate of pumps, don't get me wrong. I had been using one for so long that scar tissue underneath my skin in many rotating site spots began to be an issue, and it was just time for my body to take a break from it.) However, for a long time I've sat back and felt discouraged or helpless about not having enough supplies to test my bloodsugar as often as I should be (2-4 times per day instead of my preferred 8-10), mostly due to financial circumstances. Someone recently reminded me that there are ways to get more supplies (legally of course - what were YOU thinking?!) and I shouldn't sacrifice my health just because I can't pay more for them. Remember what I said about it being easy to be lazily complacent? Yeah. I've often felt beaten in the game of life. And I didn't even realize it. I've gotta fix this stuff myself, no one else is going to do it. Thank you Captain Obvious! It's like I just learned how to be an adult or something.

Working on my book. :)

3. Lose 15-20 lbs or fit into a size 6, whichever comes first.
4. Finish my book and begin the heavy editing process. I've already started back to work on it. :)
5. Organize my house and get rid of or donate things we don't use. This includes cleaning out the dark, scary, unfinished basement.
6. Overhaul the master bedroom. When we first moved in, we painted the room red (Katie will remember this well, she helped me with it!), which was nice for awhile. For some reason the red feels dark to me now (it probably has something to do with the 27 layers of paint we had to do to cover the primer!), and after 5 or 6 years I am ready to change it to something bright and cheerful. If Eric will let me, HA. The overhaul would include getting rid of the old waterbed, which is dying a painful death anyway. A comfy new bed and bedspread would do WONDERS.
7. Stress less over the little things. Stuff is gonna happen. When we can't or shouldn't step in or do something about it, sometimes it is best to just let it happen. Let it go. Life goes on. Busting a blood vessel probably won't help. People stress over anything and everything, and often because of a combination of things. Sometimes for good reason. From what I have seen and experienced, there are two ways to stress. One way is caused by or experienced in a tense moment, and it dissipates after the moment passes or is worked through. The second is an underlying, ever present, elevated level of stress that is high on a daily basis. (Thank you Doctor Christy.) The second way sums me up lately. Time to change that. The combination of things causing stress for me is A) sleep deprivation (SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), B) high bloodsugar, which make me feel angry and on edge, and C) not having sufficient quiet time with the Lord.

Consequently, 

8. Sleep more. Go to bed earlier. As I type this, my inner night owl groans. But daytime Christy is happy! Don't worry, large amounts of caffeine will continue to be consumed.

9. MAKE TIME for sufficient quiet time with the Lord. This includes real prayer in which I specifically give the current and future events in my life to the Lord. This is huge because the more I am in the Word, the more peace I have as I trust the Lord. Therefore, I stress less.
10. Remember that the little moments are what count. In a recent conference at church, I was reminded that we as humans concentrate so much on the BIG moments in life but in reality, there are only a handful of them in one lifetime. The majority of our lives are made up of conversations, emotions, actions and reactions, thoughts, words, etc. etc. I want each one of those to reflect Jesus and who He has made me.
11. Spend less time on me while Audrey is awake, and when she is asleep, make the most of "me time". We have a lot of fun together. I'm just usually so caught up in what I'm trying to do that I miss out on sweet moments or things we could be doing together.

Clearly I would prefer that a vacation be taken near a beach. Any beach. :p

12. Take a family vacation. Yes, this would mean Eric would have to take a week off from church stuff as well as work stuff. But it would be the first time we go away together as a family unit.
13. Take care of my family first but make time to pour into other people. To enjoy friendships. To do my part in giving God the opportunity to be used in the lives of those around me. God can use anyone at any time really whether they wish for it or not right? But I figure it's best to do my part and give of myself so that He can use me.
14. This is more of a PS. I really really really want to get a sweet camera this year. Chances are it won't happen, but I just HAD to put this on here. I can dream!!!! :) I want to start posting amazingly beautiful, super high quality photos!! *bouncebouncebounce*
15. Another PS. I'll work on being less serious in my next blog! WHEW!

All of these things are easier said than done. But it's good to have goals and to be motivated. What's on your to-do list?

Rambling Reflections

Isn't it amazing how something you see, hear, or experience as a child can be imprinted on your heart and mind? A lasting mark, a memory, a feeling. A sensory experience. There are a myriad of ways this can manifest in a negative fashion, but I'm so not interested in those today. I'm talking about positive, wholesome things, God given lessons we carry through life after embracing them with sweet, childlike innocence.

I was thinking about this today while jogging. My mind always seems to be swirling with thoughts and feelings, most of them in a muted muddle, floating around somewhere in the background. Sometimes as a thought flies by, it'll pop to the forefront and I'll analyze it for awhile. Have you ever been doing something, possibly a normal activity or outing, and for just a moment a feeling of nostalgia wells up within you, bringing you back to something in the past that relates to the now, to this very moment? It's usually not strong enough to overcome or distract you, but it's there. This happens on a daily basis for me, yet usually still in the back of my mind as I race through my routine, always busy and on to the next thing. I often don't realize that I am remembering things from my childhood or even from last week, until I have time for a reflective moment (let's be honest, how often do I really have time anymore?) and find myself thinking, "Where did THAT memory come from?!" 99% of the time I am convinced it is the Holy Spirit giving me pause. A moment of encouragement when I especially need it.

Case en point. I realized today as I jogged that every time I push myself to run another step, I think back to a woman who used to run in the park near my house as a child. At age 12 or so, I was up early in the morning every day, walking my beloved yellow Lab (Peaches Ann Cream the Fifth -best Yellow Lab name ever). I would walk to Mabury Park (on Mabury and Fruit, if anyone reading this remembers that park! I loved it - great walking spot) and it was rare not to see this woman; she ran every day, back and forth along the path. There was something odd about the way she ran, as if she had an injury or disability and her legs didn't operate correctly. I'll admit, she scared me a bit as a kid. Her movements were jerky and odd, and it looked like she might be in pain. I couldn't figure out why. I'll never forget her though, because she never gave up. She always looked exhausted, like she was at the brink of collapsing, but she kept going. She was always there, a regular piece of the morning park puzzle. I don't remember ever seeing her stop and sit down or even slow down to a walk. To this day, I find myself thinking...

If she can do it, so can I.

What an impression she made on me. She probably would never think that her morning jog would be noticed, or perhaps she didn't want it to be. I never even talked to her or learned her name. All the same, if she can do it, so can I. I'm sure we've all been through a time or a moment where we wonder if we are making a difference. If people will ever notice our efforts. If it's really worth it.

It is. 

So when you feel like giving up, not putting forth the effort, letting it slide, letting someone else do it, not taking the next step.... Don't give up. Don't give in. The Lord has a plan, and somehow, you are part of it. In the immortal words of Jason Nesmith on Galaxy Quest, "Never give up, never surrender!" You're jealous of the nerd I am, I know.

What you do makes a difference, even if you never see the results. Ask Abraham (well, figuratively ask him. If you physically talk to Abraham, we may have a problem.) - God told him that He made him the father of many nations (Genesis 17:5) when he had a barren wife and no children. He had to wait till he was 100 years old before he had his first child (Genesis 21:5). And he died before even saw the Promised Land or the many nations that came from him.

So, be encouraged. The Lord could use your seemingly unnoticed and inconsequential struggle to make a lifelong impression on a heart desperately in need of encouragement or hope. Maybe you'll impact crowds of people. I pray that my little Audrey will go through life learning from experiences of her own, embracing them and using them for good for the rest of her life!